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Ranger News
10/3: Happening Now: Abie And Jacob Having 30min Argument Over Who More Gay ^^ . . . . . 10/3: BREAKING! NOTHING HAS HAPPENED! In a shocking turn of events leaving everyone dumbfounded, at 9:53am CST, absolutely nothing has happened! Despite the overwhelming expectations of literally everybody, it has been confirmed that there is absolutely no news to report. Reporters are scrabbling to find new stories to cover, but it appears there is nothing even resembling something newsworthy out there. If no news is good news, then today is certainly the best news day, due to the utter lack of even one single local, national, or world event. You may as well stop reading now, since there is jack squat to report on. We can only hope that something, anything will happen tomorrow, but prospects are dim. 10/2: BROTHER GNEWIKOW EXECUTES NEARLY FLAWLESS FIRE DRILL As multiple sources report, there was an organized fire drill on the premises of Logan High School. Our very own fearless leader, Brother Gnewikow, orchestrated the whole situation. In a phenomenal execution of his plan, the entire student body participated in an exodus to the outside of the building. Reports state that students met the time expectation of 2 minutes 26 seconds, however Brother Gnewikow was not satisfied. After learning of our amazing performance, Gnewikow raised the standards to under 2 minutes. After a meaningful celebration staff were seen preparing to meet the new time requirements set by Brother Gnewikow. Damn west door people. Week of 10/1: Weekly MeToo Accusation [https://logan-high-school.wikia.com/wiki/Me_Too Me Too] I'm gonna say it. It has taken many years (minutes) to process what has happened but now I feel confident to speak out. It's hard to remember the details. I was in a car, and Tommy Lenz was driving, and the next thing I know, Tommy was.. (this portion of the text has been censored due to letting the reader make their own conclusion). So thats what happened. It just feels good to finally say it to a real person and not my imaginary friends. 10/1: REPORTS: BROTHER GNEWIKOW IN RARE FORM According to the multitude of reports flooding in to the Ranger News headquarters, Brother Gnewikow is in rare form, even for one so great as he. Not only did he start the day with a memorable speech on the intercom that reportedly left 19 in inconsolable tears of joy, but he followed up his speech with a fabulous one-man cover performance of "Thunderstruck" that was so good as to be undistinguishable from the real thing, excepting that it was noticeably, yet not distractingly, better than ACDC's original recording. This was followed up by the aforementioned addition of a Posting of the Announcements, resulting in a 246 percent increase in student morale. Not to slow up so early in the day, the great Brother Gnewikow followed this up with a slew of hilarious jokes that left most, if not all classes in hysterics for just long enough to not disturb class. Then, as multiple sources have confirmed, the ever-humble Brother Gnewikow visited the 6th hour AP Chem classroom, sharing his wealth of knowledge about orbitals, suborbitals, and atomic structure. Mr. Brownell surely would have been embarrassed to tears at his superior's knowledge were it not for the astounding humility of Brother Gnewikow as he pretended not to know the difference between an isomer and isotope in order to make Mr. Brownell feel better. There have also been a slew of baby-kissing reports coming in, as well as a plethora of soup-kitchen photoshoots. I swear, that man achieves more in his lunch break than I will in my life. To close such a historic day, the glorious Brother Gnewikow announced he had flown down to aid the Brewers in their baseball game against the hated Goldsteinian Cubs, hitting a homer in the eighth to help them defeat their hated rivals 3-1. Nothing has been confirmed yet, but reports are already flooding in preemptively about tomorrow's fantastic feats. 10/1: BROTHER GNEWIKOW DEVISES FANTASTIC WAY TO DISTRIBUTE ANNOUNCEMENTS In a stroke of genius not uncommon for such a brilliant man, Brother Gnewikow has developed a fabulous new way to disseminate such valuable information as a FAFSA help group meeting and Senior Advisory meetings. Surely this fantastic development will improve attendance of many extracurricular groups, proving the ingenuity of Brother Gnewikow once again. Surely this will also contribute to our superiority over Centralasia as well. One thing is certain; citizens of AIrstrip Logan have great reason to celebrate following this most novel development. 9/28: BREAKING: USED BIRTH CONTROL DEVICE FOUND AT HICKEY PARK We are regretful to report that the Logan Cross Country team, in the middle of a run that passed through said park, found a used contraceptive item in the middle of a local children's playground. The offending item was located to the north of the playground, and was promptly buried to avoid further incidence. Therefore, whatever you do, DO NOT DIG IN THE NORTHERN QUADRANT OF HICKEY PARK. You have been warned. 9/28: BROTHER GNEWIKOW GRANTS 10 MINUTE PASSING TIME! Sources report that the estimable Brother Gnewikow has granted a 10 minute passing time following the highly successful assembly! Students were seen exiting the fieldhouse with barely contained excitement as the exuberant masses surged through the halls, carrying Brother Gnewikow aloft. 9/27: SOREN TAPES CARDBOARD ON DOOR Local sophomore Soren Doerfucker has committed an atrocity to our lobby door! Last night, immediately following the wildly successful Airstrip Logan Victory Band Torchlight Parade performance, this notorious delinquent snuck in a load of cardboard and tape and vandalized our pristine lobby doors. The custodians were in a frenzy by Friday morning, as students stared in shock at the mess of tape, cardboard, and enmity. His motives for such a vile act of cardboarding are as yet unknown, but it can only be assumed that there shall be a stiff price to pay. On an unrelated note, several students appear to have created a new game in honor of the upcoming homecoming week. The name of this novel rock-paper-scissors style game, judging by the yelling and laughter, seems to be Soren-bullet-door.